You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
