We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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