Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
