Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
