New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
