My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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