Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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