I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he high fived his dick after we had sex
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
