My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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