half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
