first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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