take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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