If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I look better un-naked...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
