I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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