Kiss
Puke
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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