You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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