I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
