wat bout pragnant strippers??
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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