I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
