So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
