if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
