Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
