Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We just shotgunned beers for America
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just puked most of my soul out..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize