After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
