Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
