I think my fart just growled at me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize