my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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