Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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