I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
