I smell stomach acid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
