i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I can text with my tongue
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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