There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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