My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize