I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize