You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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