Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
