I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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