There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
