Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
