By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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