You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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