i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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