I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
