I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize