You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
