I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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