No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
