Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
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