I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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