I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
