It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
And then he peed in my hair
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