Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
