Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
