don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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