He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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