Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
