The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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