"it" just moved
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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