I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
