In the future we'll all be gay
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
