I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize